Saturday, June 7, 2014

Battles....

Some things are just born from sadness, and dark places. 
 But this is life, we all face our battles with it. My son and I happen to be facing ours at the same time, which sadly makes things a little bit tougher and harder right now.
But we will get through.
I made this piece after my 5th round of chemo and after they took my son back in to get some more help.
  The drugs they give me put me in a depressed state and enhance everything even more intensely, so I spend a lot of time thinking....and thinking. 
What could I have done differently?
What can change?
What do I want?
What is my purpose?
 I've been stuck not able to create much because my creativity seems to be stagnated, and I feel like crap, 
But I made this during a period of deep sadness and thoughts about my son and I like It.
It gave me hope.
Hope that even in dark times, creativity can grow, things can be stirred into action, and ideas can be planted.
 The house is a symbol of strength and family, the scratched surface is meant to symbolize that you never really know what goes on in a persons home, you barely scratch the surface on that, things are deeper than what appears.
And the x marks the spot where people judge you or single you out because of these things.
Truth is, we all have our secrets,
We all face our battles and we all just try to get through them and make our way doing the best we can.
I'm never gonna give up. 
Ever. 
Xoxo
This piece is now available on my website. :)





10 comments:

  1. Dear sweet friend, I am so sorry you are going thru so much. Just does not seem fair. I love what your artwork symbolizes. You have my heartfelt thoughts and prayers. I understand. I truly do. Been there with my daughter while battling my own demon. We got thru it. You two will also. XOXO

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  2. Sending you warm and healing light.. Love this piece of art and the deep story of your journey that goes with it. Thank you for your powerful and honest sharing. I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
    I was over in your zone, cause, as you know, I'm moving a couple miles or so west of you. I drove down Centennial cause I think that's your street. I have no idea what one is your house. I thought I might intuit it. LOL. I thought it might be the one that had the big gold framers mirror on the porch. And ... well... no idea. Anyway. peace and hope to you.

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  3. you don't know me and I don't know you. I read your blog because I like your artwork....and it's delivered to my in box whenever you post. I'm just old enough to still find this sort of virtual relationship just a little surreal. but it doesn't necessarily follow that that's a bad thing. it gives us the opportunity to 'meet' people we would not otherwise meet. which is a good thing. especially when we meet people who share similar interests...or issues. and we all have issues....whether they are the same or not is, I think, irrelevant. it doesn't change our ability to empathize, to pray, to care. so please know that today,someone on a farm in a state far from yours, who likes your art, who feels sorry that you are fighting a battle no one should have to fight, is thinking of and praying for you. be well my friend. be strong. be certain you are cared for.

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  4. Hello Honey ... I have been gone from fb ... everything. I have needed a long needed and hurting for my Sweet Grands .. my Boy and family reconnect. I decided to see how things were doing with Dearest Catherine. I was so glad to See you are in the real pisst off stage! Yes. This stage of where you are is your STRONG point Honey. Chemo is so disgusting. I liken it to Rabies Shots .. you know the ones you must endure when bitten by a rabid animal. I always looked at cancer as that rabid animal and those evil shots in the in your belly you must endure to make sure YOU don't get rabies. When my Son was going through the worst of his terrible addictions he also had .. cancer. I used to do this trick in my head going thru this sad time and I would do a zoom out. Yes that is what I called it. I would literally (in my brain) rise above all of the houses anywhere .. somewhere (why your HOUSE made me smile and cry today) and look down at all the different goings on in these homes. For whatever the reason was then (I know now) I would feel better in knowing the drama going on in my Precious Family .. well I certainly was not alone. Much .. much worse going on at the yellow house on Elm St. and still worse on Main St. Then I would picture the end of my Drama and all the other homes in a year from now. It comes down too ... it is ALL learning .. enduring .. faith .. Love .. Hope and being a part of this experience we live in this life here on Mama Earth ... keeping your Spiritual connection in tact and knowing that whatever your connection is to God use that faith as much and as hard as you can. As I experienced many many times (and still do) when You can NOT pray we all are doing that Praying for YOU Honey. Catherine YOU are at YOUR Strongest Now. I am sorry about Jackson. He is on his own learning path. Yes darn it Jackson things would have been much easier if he was doing well. Not just for your Precious Son but ESPECIALLY YOU. Right Now for Jackson he has a whole lot more to learn. This could happen to him many more times. I know how this hurts Honey. Our children are our souls. He will survive Catherine. Poor Fella just needs to do it the way he is gonna have to do it. Your love and never ending Mamahood too Jackson he knows in his heart. He is young and just has to live those damn lessons. That is the shitty truth.

    I am so Glad I came to see how you are doing. YOU DARLING ARE KICKING ASS! YOU Know why you are feeling so crappy ... and as the Wonderful Loving Mama You Are ... hurting for your Boy .. who is earning his stripes the hard way.

    You are almost done with the Rabies Shots Madam! You Got This ... You REALLY GOT THIS!

    ... Big Gamma and Mama Hugs and LOVE Too You Honey ... XO"S ;'-.)

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  5. With love, during the difficult cycles of life, the periods of pruning. Periods of cutting back, painful and dark will always lead to blooming. COUNT on it. I would like to highly recommend the writings of Dr. Gabor Mate. Xxx. In faithfulness,e.

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  6. I have nothing special to say...no words of healing or inspiration. Still, just want you to know that I care about you and your son. I admire your spirit. I admire your art. Please keep on.

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  7. I was having a pity party the other day. We are all allowed to have them btdubbs. Tears were there, but other than them it was just me. During my party, I started the list in my head of all the things I was grateful for. The sunny day, the guy I sleep with, that bird who flew into my yard just to sing for me.... After awhile I put the tears away. Not because others have things worse, but because my good list was way bigger than my shit list.
    It is easy to blame yourself for your childs bad choices. While he was making them he wasn't thinking of you. People with young perfect children may judge but the rest of us who have been in the trenches a long time don't. Kids are given to us to bring us incredible joy and to keep us humble.
    I love the piece you made. Make sure you keep some with deep meaning for yourself.
    You will eventually feel better and this will be just a bump in the road.

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  8. i haven't visited your blog in a long time, like 6 months, i haven't left a comment probably in a few years. something drew me here today and i've got caught up on your posts. oh hell you sure have had a year!
    one of the best things i was told during a terribly dark time in my life... 'as hard as this feels right now, it will not always be like this'.... i have found this to be 100% true and it's my umbrella when the shit rains down.
    sending you blessings and good energy to you and your family!
    tracie @ beets+birch

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