Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Lush Life.....

 Wow, a lot has happened in the two years since my last post here.  little did I know at the time that shit would get even harder.
but such is life.
 I found this blog to be a place of comfort and healing for me,  but I abandoned it because I was so overwhelmed by everything and felt in such a negative space that I could barely even cope with my day to day stuff so I only posted little things on Instagram and Facebook. At the time I thought things were getting better,  but little did I know about what was to come.
 I feel like being here now may be a sort of renaissance for me and I need to go with it.
I spent the past two years taking care of my mom who passed away in May of this year.  To say that I miss her and am sad would be an understatement,  but I don't know how else to describe such a profound loss.
 I wouldn't trade the past two years I spent with her for anything though,  hard as it was,  it was also one of the best things that I have ever done in my life.
 We became closer and I learned things about her and felt a connection that I will never forget.
 I was also so lucky to be able to be with her when she took her last breath as hard as that was.  my sister and I still feel like it was such a surreal event.  It's just so  hard to believe that such a powerful life force can just disappear before your eyes in a matter of moments.  but I firmly believe she is till with me in spirit in the little things that I see and experience every day.

  After my mom passed away in May I spent the next two months clearing out our family home and getting it ready for sale.  we have been in our childhood home for over 50 years.  as hard as it is to think of letting that go,  I knew it was time for us to move on.  There was no way I could stay in that house and not think of her everyday.
  It sold it in a matter of days and I was able to buy my own home several months later.
it's a gift to be able to have my own space again and plant my own roots for my children to have a space to come and have a meal or hang out with their friends. my heart is full here, and I know its something my mom would have wanted for me and my sister..... to be able to move on and remember the good things instead of being sad.
 I'll never forget her last words to me before the tumor took over her brain and she was gone.
she told me "Cathy,  you have to let me go"
  I can barely type those words without losing my shit,  but I'm working through my sadness and feel like everyday I am growing and learning new things about myself in the process.  I am ready to live a lush life and enjoy all of the delicious and beautiful things around me..I am rich in how lucky I am to have had such a beautiful mother and to have been blessed with beautiful children.  I am ready to dive in to my life and enjoy each bit of it.
  This house has been a gift to me from her and I feel like its a space that I can do just that.
its a little 1940's ranch with coved ceilings and a little niche in the wall that I turned into an ofrenda, or Altar for my mother.  it seems perfect to me.
  Like always I will post a bunch of pictures of things I've made over the years while I was going through these things,  because Art has always helped me process and grieve.  and ill give you some tiny peeks into my new home....oh and did I mention that my son came home with a puppy?  well the puppy is now mine, (and he's now HUGE)  I now have three dogs to my name.
its fine.  its all going to be FINE haha.
 As always thank you for coming here to my space and taking the time to be with me
I hope to post more things here again soon.