Thursday, January 16, 2014

Secrets









I haven't written a blog post in a long time because I haven't been able to find the words to say anything.
I've been numb.
I've always been a pretty honest and open person when it comes to my life, choosing to reveal parts of myself to the world because there was some comfort in sharing.   It was cathartic, and felt good to commiserate knowing there were other people out there feeling the same way, or having some of the same experiences.
  But lately I haven't been able to do that because life became very complicated.  I was living with secrets.
 deep dark secrets that made me go silent, trusting no one. 
I have been to some of the darkest places in my life this past year and was unable to speak about anything for a very long time.
but I'm tired of hiding in the shadows,  and tired of the secrets.
I'm tired of feeling guilt. I want to let that all go in this new year.
and i'm working on it,  slowly but surely.
So in order to heal myself I have been immersing myself in my work and staying extraordinarily busy to keep my mind from losing my shit,  because you see my son had some serious problems this year with addictions that nearly consumed me, and him.
Being a teenager in this day and age is hard, very hard.  and for a sensitive creative child,  that can sometimes be devastating.  He is now in a safe place healing and getting the help he needs. he wont be home until April,  and I miss him. I can barely write this because of the tears and heartache,  taking comfort only in knowing that he is safe for now and that there is a long and scary road ahead of us for the rest of our lives, and also knowing that I have no control over this.  not one bit.
So I immerse myself in work.
I have been painting and renovating spaces, helping shop owners revamp their spaces,  or close their long time businesses.
creating handmade pillows for people that lost loved ones out of sweaters that belonged to mothers,  and helping people see their homes in a new light.
 Each and every thing helped me through my saddest days,  because I really do believe that Art saves lives,  and I also believe in telling my story it may help someone else.
so slowly but surely I will share things,  but it will take me some time to find my voice again.
I hope you'll be patient with me.
but for now I will share it in pictures of the past year and what i've been up to,
happy belated new year to all.
XOXO































17 comments:

  1. You make the world a more beautiful space and I hope some of that beauty finds its way back into your life soon. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been enduring this past year. Sending love and light your way. xoxo

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  2. Thinking of you and wishing you PEACE xoxoxo

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  3. He is such a beautiful boy. I am so sorry for your pain, and his. May the coming months hold much hope and healing.

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  4. Thank you for the beautiful post. Loved the photos. We could possibly use some good design help around here - a mural or something at my office. Maybe stop by when you have a moment. At least to talk about it. All the best!

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  5. ... Sweetest Catherine ... I swear this too shall pass. Being in the moment is torture. He will grow and you will be right by his side giving him the Mama love and hugs he needs ... along with pinches too :-.) You are doing all and more than what is needed, even tho it never feels like we know what it is our Sons need. He is alive, learning going thru a rough patch but his boy~head is above water. You and Ms. Fiona, Tank and dear Jackson are gonna chalk it up. I started looking for the miracles when my Son had a hard spell, well one of the worst ones. Oh My I certainly found them ... big and small. Why the bottom falls and all happens at once for some of us ... ... if I knew Dearest I would tell you! I am so happy for your Boy and Grateful to you that YOU know how Sweet he is and how sensitive, when know one else thinks about that part of Jackson .. but you. Thinking of You sending you always positive vibes and prayers Catherine Dear ... Just do sleep when you can, that helps. xo's

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  6. Dear Catherine, I have enjoyed your blog for the last 3 years. Love your art and photos. I remember the agony and torture I felt when my son went through a very rough patch when he was 16-18, the heartache of wishing if I could just hug him and make it all better, and the helpless feeling that I couldn't just simply do that. I'm thinking of you and your son, wishing you peace, hope and healing.

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  7. Just so you know, you have given us many years of your art/pics we can go back and visit anytime we please. Don't feel like you need to post anything at all if you just cant seem to do it. The gals that follow your blog seem tike a nice understanding bunch. We miss you while you're away but are only hoping for the best for you and your family.

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  8. Catherine - first, I'm going to agree with everything Anette said up there. And second, I've walked in very similar shoes only my son crashed in college instead of his teen years. It was a long, hard road but he's 'back' and so amazingly together again now. Your son will be, too, with the love and support that I'm sure he has from you. Moms never give up. My son said he doesn't know where he'd be if we hadn't been so loving and supportive all along even through the ugliest days. So hang in there, pray like crazy if you're the praying kind and never quit believing that your sweet, sensitive, super creative son will be 'back'. Don't be discouraged by setbacks. He's young; he just got off track but there's an exciting future out there for him! Genuinely believe it! <3

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  9. Catherine, I'm sorry for the rough year you and Jackson have had, and I am sorry for how much you are missing him now. I am glad he is getting help and is safe, and glad he has a mama who loves him so much. I will pray for both of you and also Miss Fiona. Growing up is hard work! xxoo Love, Suzanne B. :)

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  10. your art has always inspired me. i am so very sorry to hear of your heartache. hang in there. god bless you and your son. i will keep you in my prayers

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  11. It was serendipity that brought me to your blog (Pinterest helped a little) and I'm glad. I love your creative side and can totally relate to the mom side as well. My children, boy and a girl too, are grown now but my son was into skateboarding like yours, highly creative, into music in a big way and he also landed in a rough patch as well. We are on the other side of it and life is good for him now. Guess I just wanted to share that as encouragement to hang in there....brighter days are ahead. With everything we went through (and there was a lot) I learned that prayer was essential to his healing. I will pray for you, your son and your daughter. I also discovered how important hope is.......even on the darkest days. You are in my thoughts Red Shoes.....

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  13. Parenting is so f***ing humbling…I'm sorry for your broken heart and your broken boy. I hope both are healing.

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  14. Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. You seem like an awesome mom and I have always thought your kiddos were the cutest and coolest - 'cuz they are. I will keep you all in my good thoughts. I will say that, as the mother of one child, a boy who is in his first year of college, I do understand your emotions and your fears and the heartstopping, breathtaking emotions you are dealing with. You are not alone. Many, many families are dealing with similar issues in private, in silence, in fear, putting on a happy face for the outside world to protect themselves and their children from the misunderstanding and even cruelty of those who have so far not had to deal with the pain of addiction or the results of poor decisions or just plain misfortune of the life-changing kind. It is hard to know sometimes how to cope, how much to share, how much to hide, and ultimately, what will best help your hurting child. He surely knows he is loved. That shows.

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