Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Lush Life.....

 Wow, a lot has happened in the two years since my last post here.  little did I know at the time that shit would get even harder.
but such is life.
 I found this blog to be a place of comfort and healing for me,  but I abandoned it because I was so overwhelmed by everything and felt in such a negative space that I could barely even cope with my day to day stuff so I only posted little things on Instagram and Facebook. At the time I thought things were getting better,  but little did I know about what was to come.
 I feel like being here now may be a sort of renaissance for me and I need to go with it.
I spent the past two years taking care of my mom who passed away in May of this year.  To say that I miss her and am sad would be an understatement,  but I don't know how else to describe such a profound loss.
 I wouldn't trade the past two years I spent with her for anything though,  hard as it was,  it was also one of the best things that I have ever done in my life.
 We became closer and I learned things about her and felt a connection that I will never forget.
 I was also so lucky to be able to be with her when she took her last breath as hard as that was.  my sister and I still feel like it was such a surreal event.  It's just so  hard to believe that such a powerful life force can just disappear before your eyes in a matter of moments.  but I firmly believe she is till with me in spirit in the little things that I see and experience every day.

  After my mom passed away in May I spent the next two months clearing out our family home and getting it ready for sale.  we have been in our childhood home for over 50 years.  as hard as it is to think of letting that go,  I knew it was time for us to move on.  There was no way I could stay in that house and not think of her everyday.
  It sold it in a matter of days and I was able to buy my own home several months later.
it's a gift to be able to have my own space again and plant my own roots for my children to have a space to come and have a meal or hang out with their friends. my heart is full here, and I know its something my mom would have wanted for me and my sister..... to be able to move on and remember the good things instead of being sad.
 I'll never forget her last words to me before the tumor took over her brain and she was gone.
she told me "Cathy,  you have to let me go"
  I can barely type those words without losing my shit,  but I'm working through my sadness and feel like everyday I am growing and learning new things about myself in the process.  I am ready to live a lush life and enjoy all of the delicious and beautiful things around me..I am rich in how lucky I am to have had such a beautiful mother and to have been blessed with beautiful children.  I am ready to dive in to my life and enjoy each bit of it.
  This house has been a gift to me from her and I feel like its a space that I can do just that.
its a little 1940's ranch with coved ceilings and a little niche in the wall that I turned into an ofrenda, or Altar for my mother.  it seems perfect to me.
  Like always I will post a bunch of pictures of things I've made over the years while I was going through these things,  because Art has always helped me process and grieve.  and ill give you some tiny peeks into my new home....oh and did I mention that my son came home with a puppy?  well the puppy is now mine, (and he's now HUGE)  I now have three dogs to my name.
its fine.  its all going to be FINE haha.
 As always thank you for coming here to my space and taking the time to be with me
I hope to post more things here again soon.


Monday, June 27, 2016

Living like I do not give a F*ck

It's been over a year and a half since I last wrote about anything here.
truth is,  I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I just couldn't.  I  needed  time to process all sorts of things.  my cancer, dealing with family issues, my son, my divorce being finalized,  being dumped by a man I had been seeing for a long time, and learning to be alone.  I didn't want to write about anything for fear of being absolutely 100% negative, So  I just kept quiet. for a loooooong time because half the time I couldn't even stand myself. 
  I immersed myself in my Art and  set out to make new friends, and have new experiences.
I got a part time job at a local restaurant, learned to bake, moved into a new apartment in a great neighborhood, joined the best bowling league ever, and re-opened my shop.
I started teaching classes again, and started having fun again.
If I could have made a living being social, well, I would've  been a millionaire by now.
It was a long period of growth for me, and I feel so much better for having been thru it all.
even the crappy stuff.
I feel like I am finally at a point where I am OK.
Emphasis on OK.
 to be honest, cancer just messes with your head, and you're never really ok, you just start to come to an understanding and realize what's important, and what's not. There's been a ton of articles lately  about how to not give a F*ck about anything at a certain age, and that really kicks into gear when you've been thru that crap let me tell you. 
I am ready to have new adventures and see where my life is going to take me.
it's kind of exciting.
(and scary sometimes too)
I wish I could tell you all that happened in that time,  and perhaps someday I will,  (It would probably make a really nice soap opera)
but for now I will just share some photos........I always take a ton of those. :)

First off,  my son.  
My heart has never hurt more or had more worry when it comes to this child. 
I have been thru some of the worst times in my life with this kid, and been witness to horrible things...but for now I believe he is FINALLY on the other side and is making positive changes in himself.
   He decided to move out to Colorado which was honestly the best decision ever.
he is doing very well,  has a job, his own apt. and is happy.
and that makes ME happy.  I couldn't be more proud of how he has turned his life around....

I reopened my shop in the spring of last year.....

And moved into an adorable apt. in an old home in the Waterhill neighborhood.
its filled with lots of windows and light

I designed a skateboard for a local skateshop

Got progressive lenses hehe...

did a lot of kayaking.......

and laughing

Dog hugging----

Put a kitchen into my shop and started baking for customers on the weekends and special orders


Made a million fairy doors.

Improved my bowling game 

Won awards ;)

Watched my daughter grow up right before my eyes.....

Got my first tattoo,

I also Turned 50!
And a year later got a second one for my 51st with my son in Denver,

All in all, I did a ton. 
I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, I made a bunch of stuff
Since my last post.
From now on, goddess willing,  I am hoping to continue on with more adventures, 
More travel, meet more people and live MORE. 
I don't want to be held bAck by sadness anymore. 
Or fear.
That's a hard thing to get past, but I'm working on it, day by day.
I had to have some tests done yesterday----- a biopsy to check for more cancer because I had some issues over the weekend......
I got the call today that it was fine, no evidence of cancer, so deep breath in and a 
big giant thank you to the universe once again.
 I've had so much shit go down in my life in the past two years I think I've just started to think in terms of "what next??!!!"
But for now, 
I've got a whole lot of living left to do, 
And I'm gonna get back to sharing it all with you.
Thanks so much for being here.